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FF : I Feel Nothing Part 1

February 18, 2012

This story was my VERY FIRST piece of writing EVER…





The Sequel to this story is I Feel Everything…
I truly hope you feel the raw emotions I try to portray…






Khushi was stood as still as a statue…

Emotionless. 

“…so THIS is why Arnavji has done this?”

Shyam sinfully smirked as he spoke… “yes Khushiji. He will NEVER love you…I made sure of it…I saw the way you looked at him…” he moved closer…”So when he assumed that you were with me, I never denied it. I took my chance…You refused me, now he has refused you…” 

As thunder struck the sky, Shyam laughed wickedly.

But Khushi just remained still.

The wind was howling.


Because she was now devoid of any feeling, the brewing storm had to emote for her.


All emotions had been drained from her over the last  3 months.


Arnav’s demand…

“You must marry me, tonight…”

The rejection she got from her family.

“You are no longer our daughter!”

The endless verbal abuse from Arnav.


“It makes me sick to even look at you! I have only done this because I hate you!”

Both families avoided her.


Just her.


Why?


Now she finally knew.


But did knowing make any difference…

No. 

Not anymore…

Arnav would never believe her…

Their families would continue to shun her…

Khushi just looked calmly up at Shyam. 

“You think you have won somehow? Why? You aren’t deaf. You heard what I said to you, the night of my jiji’s shaadi. I told you then that i wanted nothing to do with you. That you’re actions were characterless. I told you that you had betrayed Anjaliji and that if she meant nothing to you that you should leave her. Leave her in peace, and stop lying to her…She is pure…She didn’t and still doesn’t deserve this. But now…now you think you have ruined me?”


Her hand slowly moved over her heart…”There is nothing left to ruin…I don’t feel anything. Nothing…Not the heat…not the cold…Not happiness…not sadness…Not hatred for you…Not love for Arnavji…Not hope in God…Not even respect for anyone.”

Shyam felt momentarily concerned, but his selfish heart only took joy in the fact that he had won…

“But I still know one thing…” Khushi continued…”I know the difference between right and wrong. I know what God would WANT me to do.  So I will not let you hurt Anjaliji. I will not let you ruin my sister’s life. I will not betray my husband. I will not dishonor my family…even though, I now feel nothing. “

Shyam stared at her…and stared at her some more…

It was true.


She was blank.


All this had finally broken her.


No…she wasn’t even broken.


She was just…just…gone. 


The fact that she had said all this so calmly, with no Khushi spunk, no raised voice had  proved it. 


But still, Shyam’s heart was brimming with evil.


He no longer cared for her heart, for her mind, for her…


“No Khushiji…” he thought…”You belong to me…and I will make you mine…”

He just smirked at her cool demeanor, and silently walked away.

Khushi was now left standing by the poolside looking up at the sky…

The dark clouds looming over her now started to shed their tears. 


They fell on Khushi’s face…


As the cold drops splashed onto her skin, she spoke  “…at least this way…the rain…can mark my face with tears. Because I don’t even feel scared that I no longer feel anything…”

The wind howled…letting out the pain of a crushed heart…


Khushi’s hair was dancing it’s own dance through the air.  


And yet, through all this time, there was one deathly howl  that wasn’t heard…


Arnav’s.


Arnav, who was now on his knees, his face drenched in tears, had heard everything…

Everything.


“Oh my God…what have I done…?”

Arnav looked up at her, feeling completely broken.

He was in utter shock, unable to summon his breath…


He stared at Khushi.

She remained standing, gazing blankly at the sky.


When he left for work that morning he had felt pangs of guilt over how he was treating her.

But he always justified his actions by thinking back on what he saw…’with his own eyes’…


Their hug on the terrace…

Khushi telling Shyam to leave Anjali…

…and the rage would build up again taking a frightful hold over him…

A rage that stifled any hope for love…

But now…

After all he had done.

After all he had said.

After the endless insults.
He had no idea how he could make this right…

How could she forgive him now?

How could anyone forgive something so heartbreaking…

He wanted to rush to her…hold her…touch her…the way his heart had always demanded him to…

He wanted to beg and plead that she forgive him…

But as he stood up, he saw her eyes…
Blank.

Then he remembered what she said, “…i don’t  feel anything…not love for Arnavji…i will not betray my husband, even though i feel nothing.”


An ache like nothing he’d ever felt penetrated his heart…

The pain was overwhelming…as though his chest was ready to explode…

He wanted to die. 

The injustice.

The damn, bloody injustice…all bestowed on an innocent…

On an innocent girl…

On an innocent girl, who he loved…

“I love her…” he breathed in a soft declaration…”I love her and I did all this…to her…I never wanted to…I hated even to see her cry…”

His own tears wouldn’t stop…

He wanted revenge, he wanted forgiveness, he wanted HER!

All this time she had been quiet.

All this time she hadn’t once defied him.

Anger suddenly pushed it’s way into the moment as he thought, “…what’s WRONG with her! Why didn’t she stand up to me!? Why didn’t she defend herself!? Why!? She went through all this alone! ALONE!” 


Almost ready to charge towards her he heard her softly start to speak…

Khushi looked up at the stars and said…” amma, babuji…i don’t know if i even believe you are there anymore. I don’t know who to talk to. I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t even know what to ask… I just wish there was some way i could be with you both… “


Completely gutted, Arnav staggered backwards.

The flashbacks started…and flashed so fast he became frightened as he relived them…

Her smile…

Her laugh…

Her stupidity…

Her craziness…

The memories started speeding up as though his mind was on fast forward but then they came to a crashing halt at the final flash…her empty eyes.

No. 


No. 

NO.

This was NOT the way it was going to be for her…

He would NOT allow her to live her life this way…

 …NO! 


“I need my Khushi…MY KHUSHI!”

Hardly able to think straight he rushed towards her…

He sped to her side, stopping and standing before her.

No words came…


What could he say?

She slowly began to focus, and looked up at him.

Nothing.


“…forgive me Arnavji, i didn’t know you were home. I shall prepare some food for you.” 

She started to walk away…but he softly reached out and held her hand…

“K…Kh…Khushi,” he whispered, trying to remember to breathe…”Khushi I am…I…”

Khushi just stared at him and noticed his wet face and his red eyes…

Taking his hand, she led him to sit on the couch in their room.

The sky was still sprinkling it’s tears …

The wind still blowing in every direction…

Arnav was shaking, unable to put his words together…


His eyes were locked onto her as she cautiously felt his forehead.

“No fever.” she stated plainly…

Arnav couldn’t understand why she was still caring for him…


“…are you feeling sick? Do you need me to get something sweet for you?”

ENOUGH!

He slammed his hand to his chest. “HERE! I’M SICK HERE!”

He was losing control and fell to his knees before her holding her hands tightly…


His eyes were blazing as he began to break down…”I Have stabbing pains in my heart over what i have done!” he bowed his head…”Oh my God, what I’ve done… I don’t even feel worthy to ask for your forgiveness! I don’t know what to do to make this right! I hurt you more because i though…i thought…”

“…you thought i was in love with Shyam.” Khushi replied calmly…

Arnav looked up, but was soon chilled by her bleak expression…

“I know what you believed, Shyam told me today. I understand. You were only protecting Anjaliji…I understand.”

Arnav was disgusted, and shook his head, “…no…no NO!! It’s not bloody fine! I LOVE YOU! I am in love with you Khushi! and…and I never even got a chance to show you! Or tell you! I didn’t even listen to you!” he pulled her down on her knees so her face was level with his…”Khushi…I am begging you, pleading with you to forgive me…I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you. I will go and tell everyone what happened and make this right…”


He was about to stand when he felt Khushi grab his arm…

“No.” her words were firm… “you mustn’t do that. Anjaliji will be having her baby soon. She doesn’t need this. She needs calm. I am of no consequence. I am fine Arnavji…” 

She looked at him…no, looked through him.

“No consequence!? You are my WIFE!”


“In name only.” she corrected him…

Every single cell inside him was shattering…

Arnav desperately searched her eyes for ANY life and saw…none.

He let out a tormented moan and grabbed her face in his hands, looking into her eyes deeply, “Khushi! Please come back to me! I know what i have done. I know what i have done. Please! I can’t live without you!”


Khushi stared at him as though he were clear glass… “you won’t live without me. We are married. Maybe just for 6 months. But if you want me to stay to help Anjaliji with the baby or for any other matter, I will stay. I don’t belong anywhere anymore.”

“You…you don’t belong anywhere?! Khushi…Khushi…” his eyes were searching hers, but she was gone.

Desperate to make her show SOME, ANY emotion he wrapped one arm around her waist and grabbed the back of her head and harshly pulled her forward to himself till their bodies were pressed together and mouths just centimeters apart…

Still holding her tight, and gripping her hair, they were so close that not even air could pass between their bodies, he very slowly touched her lips with his.

Her eyes were closed.

As if she knew what was coming.

She felt his fingers clinging to her hair and her waist…

But more than anything, she felt his desperation…

Arnav’s heart was racing as his lips touch hers…so gently.

He was holding her tightly, yet kissing her so softly…


The moment his lips touched hers, fire surged through his heart…

It was as though every microfibre of his being was now made whole…

THIS was the half of his heart that was missing…

It was her.

But as his soul burst with confidence, Khushi felt nothing.

His lips moved over hers…giving, not taking…

He was giving her a kiss of promise…

Asking for nothing in return.

Not trying to force her to kiss him back.

He wanted to make a point and give only of himself.

He slowly kissed her, praying that she could feel his love…


Khushi’s lips were moist beneath his as his kiss became firmer…

Arnav kissed her to show HER how much she meant.

Not to get what he wanted, not even to get his fill of her even though he was dying inside to feel her respond.

Loathing to break their first kiss, he gradually eased back to look in her eyes…


Nothing.

He felt his heart shatter  even more.

No.

He wouldn’t accept this.

He would NOT accept defeat.

Khushi was HIS.

She meant everything to him.

Enough of putting her last.

Enough of the abuse, from EVERYONE.


But more importantly, enough of the abuse from HIM!

He would NOT accept defeat.

This is the most important challenge of his life.

This is the one challenge that would make or break him.

He would bring her back.

No matter what.

He would find her “life” that had gone from her eyes.

It was there.

He knew it in his heart.

He would bring it back.

This was the beginning.

He gently held her arms and said, “Khushi, If you hear ANYTHING I am saying to you, please hear this…I am so in love with you. I love you more than my life. I love you with everything i have.” …right now, he didn’t care how she responded.

All he knew was that he HAD to tell her.

He HAD to let her know her worth to him.


Her lips parted, “Arnavji…”

He heart leapt with hope…”yes…?”

“…would you like me to prepare your food now?”

Arnav went still, and he realized…

Her mind had shut off.

There was no hope in her eyes.

There was nothing.

His heart had never known such pain.

But he knew what he had to do.

He didn’t care if it would take all his life.

This was NOT how their story was going to finish.

Taking a deep breath, he got up, helping her to stand, and said, “I would love that…let’s  go eat together…”


Khushi shrugged, “…if that is what you want.”

She turned to go, but he quickly moved in front of her and took her hand in his…

He had TOLD her of her importance to him…

But now, It was time to SHOW her.

They walked out of their room hand in hand and the first face Arnav saw when they reached the bottom of the stairs was…Shyam…


11 Comments leave one →
  1. November 4, 2013 2:26 pm

    When it hurts, it's pain. But…when it doesn't, it's loss.

  2. November 4, 2013 2:31 pm

    Musings (IF)

  3. November 4, 2013 4:51 pm

    just superb…i have read ur this ff and i am all set u read it again…i have never commented on ur work but have followed ur work for a long time…so sorry for not commenting earlierjust read the first part again….its just superb…u are god gifted……u make the characters live by ur wonderful writing……just keep it up..cheers!!–urfan!!!

  4. November 4, 2013 5:23 pm

    it's like a gift…getting to read something that I read and loved before, again and I am suet loving it just as much if not more

  5. November 4, 2013 9:29 pm

    Hey…starting to read your story!The worst and heartbreaking part was, when she asked ' if she can prepare food'..wow..

  6. November 5, 2013 4:18 am

    Wow reading again 🙂 feels good .really gud depiction of emotions!Arnav is on verge of regretting highly wit a heavy heart!P.S-my heart pricked wen she said "would you like me to prepare yourfood now?" .i wont lie but a small freaking tear nearly dropped frm myeye. U r an exc writer 🙂

  7. November 5, 2013 5:13 am

    this is so heart breaking when u love that one person who doesn't trust you i started to cry when she said she feels nothing and her cold response to Arnav after her spoke his heart out to her was beautifully written undercoverhappy

  8. November 5, 2013 7:34 am

    Beautifully written. Sad when she felt no emotion. Sad for them both

  9. November 5, 2013 1:22 pm

    Such despair!! Though I know Arnav will get through to Khushi…Look forward to reading the updated versionMoomin4455

  10. November 6, 2013 1:32 pm

    Beautifully written

  11. November 7, 2013 9:37 am

    awww… dts sad… well writn… :DPrincess

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