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FF : I Feel Everything Part 31

November 17, 2012

Finally, Khushi had fallen asleep…
Arnav held her…staying as still as he could…fearing that the peace of the moment would soon shatter…
He didn’t know when he finally drifted to sleep…
All his dreams were filled with her smile, her laugh…
Moments which he craved to have back…
As daylight warmed his face, he turned slightly to look at his wife…
Despite the bruises, and abrasions, she was still the most beautiful bewitching woman he had ever seen…
Arnav  gently smoothed her hair away from her cheek, unveiling the dark bruise…
His heart vised in his chest, “How could anyone…anyone do this to you…”
Khushi began to stir, and immediately felt his touch on her sensitive skin…
Arnav quickly moved his hand away, seeing her eyelids start to flicker…
He laid still…loathing to see her emotions in such a fragile state…
Khushi knew he was awake…
Her heard began to thud…
Taking a deep breath, she slowly slid off the bed, hoping that he wouldn’t get too close…
She wrapped the bedsheet around her body and started slowly towards the bathroom…
His heart hurt.
“She’s shutting me out again…” he thought as panic gripped him in a deadly heart lock.
Standing up, he walked around the bed…”Khushi…Please…”
“Don’t touch me! Don’t you touch me!”
Instantly, Arnav stilled…
His blood curdled.
Khushi clamored back against the bathroom door, pulling the the tangled bed sheet tightly around her…
“Khushi…” his voice shook as he tried to keep calm…”It’s just me…it’s Arn…”
“I know who you are…” she spat out…”and don’t come near me.”
He stared into her eyes and saw the same empty look from before…
“…no…” he breathed…
“I need to get out of here… I want to stay with Buaji…”
Arnav’s heart wasn’t sure whether it should speed up or just give up…
“Khushi…you don’t have to do that…I…I’ve been too…expecting too much…I will back off…I won’t push you to…”
“Enough!!!” she screamed as one hand flew up to her head, clutching tight…”Enough! I don’t want your promises! I don’t want your words! NO MORE!”
With wide eyes, he began to realize what she was saying…”Khushi…do you want to leave for some space…or do you want to leave…me?”
He watched her blank eyes meet his…
There was no pause in her reaction…
Not even a tear…
“I want to leave you…”
She turned and entered the bathroom, slamming the door.
Arnav waitied.
He stood motionless.
“No…No…she…she didn’t say that…she’s hurting and…and I…No…”
Arnav continued to wait until she finally came out of the bathroom…
His heart thudded seeing her naked body…
Her bruises, her scrapes, the reddened patches…
She carefully dressed, not looking towards Arnav, not speaking…
“It’s as though she has…shut me out…”
Unbridled fear shot a stake through him…
Khushi stood up straight and began to empty her side of their cupboard…
Arnav’s eyes began to fill to the brim with terror filled tears…”Khu…Khushi…”
She heard his shaky voice, but it neither affected her nor moved her…”yes?”
“Khushi…I…” he swallowed hard…”I can’t let…I can’t let you go jaan…you’re my wife…I know what I did…I know..But we can get through this! I promise!”
Becoming desperate, he dropped to his knees…”Khushi…” he cried, no longer trying to hide his brokenness…”Khushi please…look at me…”
She stopped mid step back to the bed and brought her eyes to his…
“We will make it through this…I swear…WE WILL!”
She paused for a moment, but then began to shake her head…”No.”
Arnav rushed forwards on his knees and held her…”Khushi…Forgive me…forgive me for what I did! I won’t let you go! I won’t let you leave me!”
At his words, Khushi dropped the clothes that were in her hands…
At her action, Arnav lifted his head hopefully, only to see her hands trembling, her eyes darting from left to right in a desperate search for something…
As he got to his feet he took her hands in his…”Khushi?…Khushi? Don’t be frightened…I’m…”
“Don’t keep me here…I want to leave…Please…” tears poured over her cheeks as she pleaded…”don’t make me stay here…I can’t stay here…please…please…please…please…”
Arnav remained speechless as she continued to utter an unending “please” …
“Khu…Khushi…stop…”
“Pl…please…plea…please…p…pl….please….”
Her breathing was becoming out of control…
Arnav brought his hands up to hold her face…”Khushi! Stop! Khushi!”
Her voice began to rasp out the word…
And all he could do was watch as her begging tone tormented his heart…
“Khushi…” losing his battle to tears…”Khushi…stop sweetheart…stop…”
As her strength faded, so did her voice…”Please….pl…pleassss…..”
He caught her easily as she collapsed…
He carried her carefully to the bed and lay her down…
“this…this can’t be happening again…” he knelt beside the bed and rested his forehead in the palm of her hand…”Khushi…I can’t see you like this again…”
Feeling like an addict, he stood up fast and began to nervously pace next to the bed…
He felt as if he was losing his battle to a life-prolonging drug…
“I can’t force her to stay with me…I can’t…But I can’t lose her…I can’t…”
At a complete loss, he reseated himself beside her…
Carefully weaving his arms under her back and neck, he lifted her…
“Khushi…Khushi I can’t let you leave me…please stop being so scared of me…”
Her eyelids flickered as his tears began to drip onto her cheeks…
He sucked in a hitched breath and pressed his mouth to hers…
She began to wake …
A heat took flame in her body, a yearning  that had been ignored, that had been taken over by pain, was at last feeling itself heard.
She’d wanted to be in his arms, to be held like this, to feel his heart hammering against hers.
Khushi involuntarily pressed against him.
Feeling her movement, He gazed down into her eyes.
She could see, through the blur of her tears, lines of worry and deep concern feathering the outer corners of his eyes.
When his lips slanted across hers, she was  unable to help the shiver that rippled through her.
His hard mouth was forceful on hers, opening her to his tongue.
 She felt him enter her mouth, his tongue searching for hers, dancing against her teeth.
The heat in her body leapt to life.
She uttered a moaning sound she’d never before heard herself make.
 Her tongue rose to meet his, following his into his mouth, pressing and moving against his.
He broke the kiss, his lips touching her upper lip, then her lower lip, then the space between her lip and her chin.
She was bent back over his arm, subconsciously trying to retreat, but his arm stopped her…
His free hand came up, his thumb feeling the skin of her cheek, the line of her jaw.
She looked at him, watched him as he watched his thumb move across her skin, over her lips.
His eyes flared.
He crushed her to him, his lips moving fiercely against hers, his tongue thrusting into her mouth.
His hand moved lower, over her collarbone, lower to cover her breast.
Khushi was unprepared for the desire that knifed through her.
She sucked a sharp breath of air against his lips as she gasped.
He playing her body like a musician strums his instrument.
Reality threaded itself into the heated length of her body, cooling her melting flesh.
She pushed away from him and faced him in horrified mortification.
Rage and embarrassment warred within her.
He reached out and lovingly touched the bruises on her neck…
The fear that shot through her dark eyes shot through his gut as well.
He sat before her, studying her, hoping and praying that she would see his devastation over what he had done.
But the shattered look in her eyes only gutted him more.
He furiously picked up his laptop and threw it across the room with a vocal curse.
Anger was all he knew, all he was.
Goddamn Shyam.
Goddamn him to hell.
Arnav tore his eyes away from Khushi as she began to cover her face, as if ashamed to be seen by him…
He drew a breath through clenched teeth.
This was not her fault.
“How can she feel ashamed when none of this was her fault…?!”
He closed his eyes tight, trying not to hear her whispery voice as she’d asked, “I…I can’t see a way through this…”
How often did she have to replace bad thoughts with good ones?
Was that how she managed her life?
“Khushi…I cherish you…I treasure you…you have no blame in anything…”
He slowly walked towards her and slid up close on the bed…
He could only JUST get his next words past the emotion choking his throat… “Let me hold you…please…”
He opened his arms to her.
Not a heartbeat later, she was clinging to him.
Refusing to miss a single second, he wrapped his arms about her…tightly…
“I’m sorry,” he whispered against her wet cheek…“I’m so goddamned sorry. I shouldn’t have left you alone…I’m so so sorry Khushi…”
“…I…was so…sc…scared…” Her words were muffled, spoken against his chest.
“I know…I know…”  he tried to soothe her…
She wasn’t crying anymore, just quietly holding onto him.
Her silence—her composure—was more unsettling than her previous loud sobs.
He held her tighter, and tighter still, as if he could draw her inside himself.
If they were one person, if she were part of him, she would be safe.
He eased his hold, bending to capture her face with both hands.
“Khushi, give me the right to protect you again… Please.”
She regarded him intensely, her beautiful deep brown eyes pale in the dim light.
“What’s the point anymore Arnavji…”
“What’s the…? What’s the point!? Because you are the most valuable person in my life! Because I WANT and NEED to!” he said,  brushing his thumb over her bruised cheek.
“No…” she shook her head…You can’t protect me. No one can.”
“Khushi I will protect you! I will!”
Her face was blank, but her voice held her pain…”No Arnavji. No. You don’t have the right to say that. Because it won’t happen…”
“That’s not true…”
“I don’t want to be dependent on you… On anyone… It is a false security.”
Arnav felt his rage resurface.
He wished he could lock her away, keep her safe against his chest, hide her so no other person could ever see her…
But that was no life for her.
“Khushi…we…we can go to get some help together…we can talk things through…we can start again…”
Looking into his eyes, Khushi could not tell where his pupils ended and the brown of his eyes started.
They looked dark, desperate.
“I will do anything possible…to make you happy again…”
Arnav leaned closer to her, letting his hands brush against her neck…
He had never prayed so much in his life…
Every thought, every breath became a prayer of hope …
And as their gazes melded together, he heard her whisper…
“Can I be happy again?”
Arnav’s mouth opened with long and deep gasps…
His heart now in overdrive, he tried to control himself…
“Yes…Yes Khushi you can! You can…please…jaan please trust me…once more…give me one more chance…”
She lifted her hand ran her fingers along his cheek, across his sideburn, into his hair.
It was warm and silky between her fingers…just like she remembered…
Arnav felt his body tingling…
His eyes had closed momentarily, but they soon snapped back oped as she withdrew her hand…
Grabbing her fingers in his imprisoning grip, he regained some dominance…”Don’t…don’t back away from me Khushi…”
“I want to leave Arnavji…but I can’t…I want to cry…but I can’t…I want to disappear…but you won’t let me…”
Arnav could feel her skin burning against his hands…
He felt sick to his stomach seeing the hell she was going through…
He had been cruel.
He had been abusive.
He had been rough.
He had been distrusting.
And then, when he tried his level best to fix his error, he screwed it up again…
And now, the ache and pain he felt in his heart was crippling him…
How could he ever make up for this?
“You can’t you ass!”
The regret and guilt he felt before had now doubled into an emotion that he couldn’t bear…
More than anything, he wanted to reach inside himself and take back everything he had done to hurt her…
He no longer wanted to be himself.
No words could make it up to her.
His actions had cast so much darkness into her life…
And he wanted to condemn himself for it all…
“Khushi, I won’t let you leave because I truly believe that we can get through this together…I know your opinion of me has been altered, and more than anything I want to prove myself to you…”
He took another deep breath and continued…”Everything I feel for you hasn’t changed…hasn’t changed on single bit…I will never understand the strength you have…you are amazing, and I love you more than anyone has ever loved someone before…”
He could feel her grip tighten on his shoulders…
This was going to be one hell of a long recovery, but he was in this till the end…
Arnav still heard her words…”I’m leaving you…” echoing through his head…
He never, ever wanted to hear her utter that again…ever…
One thing Arnav hadn’t even managed to hope for was to have her here in his arms…
With their bodies so close, and their breaths mingling, he could almost pretend this little slice of peace wasn’t just a fantasy.
Khushi felt slightly embarassed as she withdrew slightly…”I…I’m sorry…Forgive me for…”
Arnav swooped in and touched his lips to hers…”Don’t say that…ever again…”
And even though his words were soft, Khushi could hear his heart screaming for her…
After a brief hesitation, he slipped his arms away from around her, but didn’t move far…
“Thank you …for taking care of me, for stopping me from leaving…”
Replying almost instantly…”Anytime, jaan, any-freaking-time.”
One Comment leave one →
  1. January 6, 2013 8:03 am

    Poor Khushi. She is going through so much. He doesn't want her to leave. -desisweetheart9 from IF.

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